Sunday, 17 July 2011

Grief, what is it?

Very few people ever actually want to talk about it; no body knows what to say or how to handle it. If you do break into a tear, they never ask again…

It’s a funny thing, no body gives you a book and says this is how it will happen, no body wonders what’s on your mind day to day.  How the tiny things effect you, like having welsh rabbit for lunch or finding out a bit of gossip that you would love to tell her but then remember she’s not there to tell.

Grief is there set stages you go through? Are there things you are or are not meant to think?

‘’Death is just death nobody understands it’’ My sisters keeper… film

Death… I’m not scared of death and never really have been, a lot of people fear it but I think that’s maybe because they know so little about it. Sometimes peoples bodies cant cope with being here any longer. They’ve fought all they can and they have no more strength to go on. As an on looker it’s the hardest thing to watch but deep down you know it’s the right thing.

At the end I felt a huge wave of relief, as my mum was in a lot of pain. I wonder if I started to greave from the time I found out? Did it start when we had to take over the caring, when our roles swapped? I was no longer the little girl, and no longer would we go for lunch, take sneaky shopping trips, or sew up a new dress from scratch just because we could and we had a mountain of fabric we shared a passion for.

Is it the worry of that at any moment the whole world will come crashing down….and then when it does happen what? For 7months that’s all I thought about, when would be the moment it all came crashing …

Mum knew she was dying but nobody new the date, no one could predict the future…

At the time I remembered every minute of every day the last week time seams to stand still, minutes felt like hours. Times when you’d be waiting for an ambulance to arrive and I felt like forever. When you went to visit in hospital but all you could do was hold the smile long enough to get to the car.
But after Mum passed that time between then and the funeral, I remember very few bits. I remember telling some of my closest friends, I remember being sat in a Chinese restaurant the evening that mum passed away, I remember the funeral and thinking what did people think of our family…

The whole time you feel like you are being judged, are you handling the right way? Am I? I don’t know but I guess?
Some days are bad days, you don’t want to see people, you don’t want to wear that smile and forget what happened. Some days you want to be aloud to sit and watch sad films and walk on the beach and allow your self to sink back into the past and remember all the good times…and allow a few tears. Is so bad to have bad days?

As time goes on you never forget, you reach mile stones many of which the people around you don’t remember …don’t need to remember. But for us they are major dates that will always be remembered.

Grief creates its own mile stones… being able to listen to a cd with out crying, being able to laugh about the good times… being proud to say you got though it and that is made you a better stronger person, realizing what life is really about.

No comments:

Post a Comment